What If Jack the Ripper. . .

What if Jack the Ripper were alive today? Would he use Twitter? Would he understand it?

What if Jack the Ripper were alive in the 1950s and became a cardigan-wearing crooner? Would his music be any good? Would people think all the stabbing references unromantic? Imagine the holiday specials.

What if Jack the Ripper shot JFK? Has that been done before? It sounds like it’s been done before. (Does it matter if it’s been done before?)

What if Jack the Ripper were alive in the 1970s and got into est? How would that go?

What if Jack the Ripper were an extraterrestrial who gets befriended by a young boy who teaches him the meaning of family? The saccharine would be the deadliest part of that story.

What if Jack the Ripper were an ex-CIA agent? Trapped on a crippled passenger-filled spaceship? Being held hostage by Soviet agents? At Christmastime? Cue the clever quips.

What if Jack the Ripper joined a grunge band? A rap group? A boy band?

What if Jack the Ripper was turned into an accountant who didn’t have the most pleasant personality, oh but what he could do to a budget?

What if Jack the Ripper became a car salesman? What would he have to do for you to leave today with the best car on the lot?

What if Jack the Ripper were reborn as an opera singer? Would he be heralded for his work in Bartok’s Bluebeard’s Castle? What if his heart was really in musical theater?

What if Jack the Ripper were a mystery writer? Would writing crime fiction quench his desires?

What if Jack the Ripper were a mystery writer who had to fill a blog post?

What if Jack the Ripper was a really cute and distracting puppy with big floppy ears and the most doleful eyes? Awwwww. Name him “Saucy Jack”! “He’s a cute pup,” you might say, “but the vet bills are from hell!”

What if Jack the Ripper were a cat? What if all cats are Jack the Ripper? They are, aren’t they?

What if Jack the Ripper were a modern teenager? What if all modern teenagers are Jack the Ripper? They are, aren’t they?

What if Jack the Ripper took a job as a department store clerk who enjoys his job and has pleasant relationships with everybody? Except fry cooks, for some reason.

What if Jack the Ripper took a job as a fry cook?

What if Jack the Ripper were alive today and ran for public office? Too easy? Would he more likely become a Hollywood producer?

What if Jack the Ripper were an attorney? Not much of a stretch there either. But what if Jack the Ripper sued for residuals?

What if Jack the Ripper lived in his parents’ basement but instead of going out at night or ever he just sat in front of telly all the time eating chips and talking about disemboweling this person and eviscerating that person so much that sometimes his parents feel the need to say, “Instead of just sitting there, get off your arse and do it. Just do something.” But then he still doesn’t. Although he does go on 4chan and Reddit a lot.

What if Jack the Ripper were your chiropractor? your allergist? your dentist? Too far?

What if Jack the Ripper were Hercule Poirot? What if Jack the Ripper were Miss Marple dressed as Hercule Poirot but not for Halloween?

What if Jack the Ripper were Sherlock Holmes?

What if Jack the Ripper were Sherlock Holmes’s smarter brother who is also a vampire and a werewolf?

What if Jack the Ripper were Santa Claus? And you forgot to leave him cookies. . .

—Richie Narvaez

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Richie Narvaez is the award-winning author of Roachkiller and Other Stories. His fiction has appeared in Plots with Guns, Sunshine Noir, Spinetingler, and more. His debut novel Hipster Death Rattle will be published in 2019.